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• Appetizers: Brilliant quotes from interesting people
• Entrée: Effective Listening by Larry Alan Nadig, Ph.D.
• Main Course: Effective Communicators Build Bridges by Listening by Michael
• Second Helping: Four Golden Nuggets of Effective Listening by Eric Pleantenberg
• Soup to Nuts: From the feedback button
• Just Desserts: Sites to see and other sources for personal growth.
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• Party's Over, Go Home: Article submission guidelines, subscription information and member's list maintenance

Appetizers:
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• Mason Cooley, City Aphorisms

• Psychologists Mary Field Belenky, Blythe Mcvicker Clinchy, and Nancy Rule Goldberger, in their collaboration, Women’s Ways of Knowing (1986)

Entrée: Effective Listening by Larry Alan Nadig, Ph.D.
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There is a real distinction between merely hearing the words and really listening for the message. When we listen effectively we understand what the person is thinking and/or feeling from the other person's own perspective. It is as if we were standing in the other person's shoes, seeing through his/her eyes and listening through the person's ears. Our own viewpoint may be different and we may not necessarily agree with the person, but as we listen, we understand from the other's perspective. To listen effectively, we must be actively involved in the communication process, and not just listening passively.

We all act and respond on the basis of our understanding, and too often there is a misunderstanding that neither of us is aware of. With active listening, if a misunderstanding has occurred, it will be known immediately, and the communication can be clarified before any further misunderstanding occurs.

Several other possible benefits occur with active listening:

• Sometimes a person just needs to be heard and acknowledged before the person is willing to consider an alternative or soften his /her position.
• It is often easier for a person to listen to and consider the other's position when that person knows the other is listening and considering his/her position.
• It helps people to spot the flaws in their reasoning when they hear it played back without criticism.
• It also helps identify areas of agreement so the areas of disagreement are put in perspective and are diminished rather than magnified.
• Reflecting back what we hear each other say helps give each a chance to become aware of the different levels that are going on below the surface. This helps to bring things into the open where they can be more readily resolved.
• If we accurately understand the other person's view, we can be more effective in helping the person see the flaws in his/her position.
• If we listen so we can accurately understand the other's view, we can also be more effective in discovering the flaws in our own position.

Become a more effective listener. Practice the active listening technique and make it one of your communication skills.

About the author:

Larry Alan Nadig, PhD, is a clinical psychologist and marriage and family therapist that focuses exclusively on outpatient services. Visit Dr. Nadig's website for more principles and guidelines on communication, relations and effective living by going to DrNadig.com. Listen to Dr. Nadig lead a discussion on the subject of listening on World Talk Radio by going to http://www.worldtalkradio.com/archive.asp?aid=4086

Main Course: Effective Communicators Build Bridges by Listening by Michael
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The communication process involves two things: Content and context. It is not just the words that are said, but the context in which they are delivered, as well as the various filters that the listener uses to interpret and apprehend the words once they are heard. With this in mind, it is easy to see that the same message can be understood differently by different persons.

One of the filters used in the process of listening is that of focusing on one's own thoughts or situation rather than what the other person is saying. People do so for any of several reasons. Some may be defensive, thinking that the speaker is attacking them. Some may feel superior, thinking that they may know more about the subject than the speaker, that the speaker doesn't know what they are talking about. Some listeners may simply be all wrapped up in their self, letting the ego believe that they should be the center of attention or activity.

Listening is also filtered through the process of perception. The speaker may be talking too fast, may not be fluent in the language, or may not be able to articulate clearly. As a result, some listeners dismiss the speaker because they perceive them to be of a lesser status in some way, as opposed to a speaker that is generally believed to be an expert, or more knowledgeable on the subject.

A major filter, applied almost constantly in the process of listening, is that of one's mental state - a function of psychological reference based upon experience, values, personal goals and beliefs. All listeners are biased, to some degree - it's not a bad thing until the mind is no longer open to communication because of that bias.

Active listeners understand that these filters may be in place, and will offset the negative effects of filtration by hearing the message, making a best attempt to understand the message, and by offering feedback to the speaker.

An active and effective communicator:

• Allows others to finish sentences or express complete thoughts before commenting.
• Will not answer a question with a question.
• Is aware of their own biases, and makes an effort to not let that determine what they thought they heard the speaker say.
• Pays attention, without daydreaming or focusing on other things at the same time.
• Is generous in letting others have their say by exercising patience.
• Makes an effort to allow others equal time in the conversation process, when involved in a group discussion, and doesn't dominate the conversation.
• Takes a moment, after the speaker is finished, to formulate a response - not while they are speaking.
• Will offer feedback, when appropriate, but not as an interruption to the conversation.
• Carefully considers what is being said with regard to relevancy, and clarifies their understanding with open-ended questions.
• Stays on topic (as chosen by the speaker) rather than diverting the conversation to a topic that is more interesting (in their opinion).
• Will make notes to gather their thoughts and to concentrate on what is being said.
• Will often re-state the idea, with respect to their own understanding, back to the speaker in their own words, to confirm their comprehension.

What gets in the way of great communication on the listener's part?

Mind-reading focuses on what the speaker is thinking or feeling, not what they are saying. Rehearsing mentally tries on responses to some portion of what was said, without consideration of a whole idea or concept. Selecting picks and chooses what is heard to justify a position, or to refute it. Dreaming listeners say, "What did you say?" and "Would you mind repeating that?" a lot. Identifying compares what is said to a personal experience, rather than being open and receptive to the experience of others. Comparing assesses the messenger rather than the message. Derailing changes the subject and devalues the speaker and their topic. Sparring quickly formulates an argument that will belittle or discount the concepts or the speaker. Placating simply goes along with what is said to avoid conflict or to seem to be a nice person.

Understand that effective communication is a two-way street. It involves clearly and concisely conveying information, and getting feedback. Ineffective communication results in poor cooperation and coordination, lower productivity, undercurrents of tension, misunderstanding and mistrust.

Good communication doesn't begin when the message is delivered, but rather when it is fully listened to and understood, and comes full-circle with an appropriate response from the audience, whether that is an individual or a group. Good listening skills are developed with practice. Being a good listener will build my portion of the bridge that is required to be an effective communicator.

Peace and Light,
Michael Rawls, Friday's Inspiration ©2006

Second Helping: Four Golden Nuggets of Effective Listening by Eric Pleantenberg
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Why should I improve my listening skills?

It's a great question. For the simple reason that a person's listening skills are a central component to most of the activities people care about. Your ability to understand what others are trying to tell you, to grasp details about projects, to learn information about a customer's needs, or to understand what is going on in your family's life all depend on your ability to effectively listen.

While most people possess the ability to hear, many have never taken the time to consciously develop the ability to listen. Here are four golden nuggets to help you improve your listening skills:

1. Slow down and relax. The fact that your mind can think at least 7 times faster than people can talk identifies much of the problem right from the start. To maximize the amount of information you are receiving from a conversation, you must minimize the number of thoughts that are racing through your mind. To help you slow down and relax, you might try taking slow deep breaths or sitting down. Both can often help slow your pace if you are feeling rushed.
2. Focus on what is being said. That means no multi-tasking! Splitting your attention between something other than what's being said, whether that is reading, typing in your computer, or even taking notes, are all significant distractions to you ability to listen. It is also frequently annoying or even disrespectful to the person who is speaking.
3. Ask clarifying questions. Many times what we think we heard and what the speaker intended to communicate are two different things. By jumping to conclusions or making assumptions, we frequently guess wrong. Often times people find that while they are thinking about the meaning of past comments they are missing what the person is currently saying. If you are not sure you understand what the person said, make sure to ask a question or two that will clarify their comment. This should be welcomed by whoever is speaking, as it shows you are both listening AND interested in truly understanding what they are saying.
4. Realize that much of communication is non-verbal. It is equally important to listen with your eyes as it is with your ears. By making good eye contact with the speaker you will pick up much more of the meaning behind what is being said. Facial expressions, hand gestures, and body language all play a vital role in understanding the full message. By actively watching the person speaking, you will also show your engagement and give them more confidence and energy in what they are saying.

About the author:

Eric Plantenberg is a nationally known memory trainer. His new program, Winning The Name Game, teaches professionals how to train their memory to remember names more effectively and be able to recall them at the right moment. For more information on how to better remember hundreds of names and faces visit http://www.WinnngTheNameGame.com Or email info@WinningTheNameGame.com  

Soup to Nuts: From the feedback button
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